One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
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Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti