*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Just a bush.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.