Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
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Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
British websites use biscuits.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
A fake ID that makes you younger
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic