Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
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Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork