finally found a reasonable question
You Might Also Like
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy