HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
You Might Also Like
The cashier just checked me out.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
My dryer is celebrating lint.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.