a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
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[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Autocarrot sucks!
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.