Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
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6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
cats when you pet them too long:
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
men are simple creatures
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad