I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
You Might Also Like
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
wait.