My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
You Might Also Like
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?