me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
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I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
doing your own taxes
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.