I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
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I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.