Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill