The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
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DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.