Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
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Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
it is time once again
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
the rocks need my help
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
They’re the worst 😩
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive