Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Tastes like chicken.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
What the hell happened here.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what