[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy