If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
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Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.