Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
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Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.