me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
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I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING