Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
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SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis