I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
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I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.