I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
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Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.