Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
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Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.