People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
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“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: