Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
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Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.