My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
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Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
But is it really??
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Heroic Misunderstanding
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567