[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
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“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently