how much does a mortician urn in a year
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One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands