If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
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Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.