“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
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Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both