Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
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Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!