If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
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I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders