someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?