*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.