I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
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A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that