when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
We need to put an American base on the sun
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me