timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
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you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
😂 amazing answer
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed