Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys