It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
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You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.