So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
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Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER