Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
You Might Also Like
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.