My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
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Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
God, I love Scotland
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*