My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
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toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.