my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
😅🤣😂
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.