11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.