[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
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People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Check out the legs on this baby
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]