I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
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My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut