When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
You Might Also Like
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???