You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …